The snake and I

Ray has quit. Now that I’ve done a few of the jobs he used to do I’m surprised he didn’t quit a long time ago.

Re-priming the pump that one time in June was nothing. If Ray had still been working I’d have called him with a plumbing emergency. Almost did, but having handled the crisis myself I began to think this handyman stuff wouldn’t be so bad after all. I never should have said that out loud because a higher power, the one in charge of humility, must have heard me.

On that day the pipe that runs from the toilet to the composting unit began to leak. A tiny brown trickle barely noticeable at first; but detectable by a faint aroma. Darn! Must have let the biomass go anaerobic somehow. That’s a serious crime in the community of composting toileteers. I thought again of calling Ray and begging for one more time but I was too ashamed. Ray’s job is my job now.

Getting down to business I soon learned that one of the things I hate more than anything is scuttling around like a bug under a cabin. My head still rings from banging it on the floor joists. The job seems simple enough, just plug the leak with this nifty epoxy material that you can mould like silly putty but it cures nice and hard. You just need to get your hands and fingers into tiny little spaces you can barely reach and then make them bend in unnatural directions. And do half of it blind because you can’t see because your hands are in the way. You do it by feel like a raccoon digging for clams in the mud. Well, fine, deal with it. Soon the job is done; well, not soon but eventually. Eventually you can crawl out of your cave, wipe the spider webs from your nose and ears, and later on after you’ve showered you can run some water through the toilet and and see that it’s still leaking. You just moved the leak to a different spot in your carefully sealed pipe. Must have jarred it a bit. Oh well, I’m out of repair materials now so we’ll just have to try again next weekend.

Next weekend.

There’s another nifty way to seal a leaky joint that works even in the wet. It’s a stretchy sticky tape you simply wrap around the joint and a little ways up above and below it. It’s easy as long as there’s room for your hands. Well, friends, if pushing soft silly putty all around the base of the pipe was hard because you can’t see what you’re doing imagine trying to stretch sticky tape around the same pipe joint, this while sitting hunched in a curl underneath the floor boards. I can’t begin to describe how I managed it, but I did, the leak was finally stopped and it stayed stopped until I had to tear it apart today. Another thing I would have called Ray for is a hopelessly plugged up toilet pipe.

Said pipe runs about six feet from the toilet to the 90 degree bend downward into the composting unit – that’s the joint I sealed so neatly a few weeks ago. This pipe worked fine for several years. Waste and toilet paper flowed smoothly without incident until now. I don’t mean to suggest that Ray’s quitting had anything to do with the massive clog but something evil is surely afoot. Why would the pipe wait all those years for me to be in charge? Just coincidence I guess, but it was a bad clog. The old plumbers friend couldn’t make it move so I was left with only one choice. Leave it to ferment until next weekend when I can come back with a snake.

You know what a snake is don’t you? It’s kind of like a rope made out of steel with a cork screw at one end, which you shove down the toilet to push the cloggy wet mass along. I’d never used one before and I hope I never do again. It’s simple in theory but awkward in practice, and remember what you’re using it on. They told me to just uncoil it gradually from it’s housing and feed it into the toilet down the pipe until the clog is cleared. Then feed it back into the housing and you’re done. It's easy! Horse feathers! First of all, the flexible steel rope does not want to go down that hole and into that pipe. (would you? Can you blame it?) There is resistance all the way. It was useless of me to get as angry as I did but I was in a red rage in no time. Nasty fumes were blowing in my face. The snake and I were locked in mortal combat, my hands around its throat, the snake bucking and twisting. splashing brown water up at me and all over the immediate area.

Then slowly it began to move, its cork screw face boring through the mass and the water began to run. I continued to urge the now compliant snake to the end of the pipe and soon the water was gone. Success! But now the housing, knowing where the snake has been, did not want it back. It did not want this vile thing down its throat any more than you or I would. Or maybe the snake, having tasted freedom, wanted to stay and play for awhile.

Anyway, its snaky spirit was just as cantankerous coming out as it was going in. Consider that it’s now all coated in yucky slime and maybe you can commiserate, maybe you can feel my pain. But after a short fight the snake began to coil back into its burrow. The housing ceased to resist and I was feeding the snake along until it just plain wouldn’t go any further. Stuck. Apparently the corkscrew thing at its end must have hooked itself on the end of the pipe and no amount of force could budge it. At that point someone, I believe it was me, was bellowing magnificent profanities; the air rang blue for yards around. Knowing I was beaten, I saw I had no choice. I had to get at the end of the pipe and unhook the snake. Somehow. I tried reaching through the hole in the composter that receives the remains of yesterdays dinner. Not possible for reasons I won't bother explaining. Under the cabin again I paused to gaze at the neat job I’d done of sealing the leak. The beauty of it all! The afternoon light shimmered on the tidy layers of sticky tape that had made a perfect seal. Almost looked as if a pro had done it. I took a last loving look and then heaved on the joint, popping the seal to reveal the snake sticking its tongue out at me from the end of the pipe. Somewhat roughly, I flicked it free, went back inside and stuffed the evil creature back into its cage. I chose to rest then and drink a beer before sealing the pipe up again. In my reveries I wondered if Ray misses his old job.

What do you think?